Young Pagan !
Are your gods tired of the same old, boring, weak-ass offerings ? Are your daily devotion rituals not as enchanting as they used to be ? Do you fear the wrath of your household deities as you bring them stale old bread crumbs and dare to call it a gift ?
Never fear, cause we got the perfect remedy to your ills ! That’s right, we got ap/e/p-fucking tomato rosebuds ! Cut the bottom of a tomato three-quarters through, peel the rest away, re-arrange the shred by folding it on itself and FREE YOUR WRETCHED SOUL !!! Even better, you’ll be left with a ripe, entire tomato for you to eat without any danger of eternal damnation, you lucky miscreant !
This cheap if classy type of offering will introduce a much-needed sense of style in your pathetic daily rituals, as well as provide a clever replacement for the floral arrangements ancient egyptians used to offer their gods.
Our customers report a 100% satisfaction rating :
"I don’t give a damn having less followers than during Antiquity… You know what they used to offer me back in Men-Nefer ? FUCKING SPINASH. I mean, were they TRYING to offend me ?" Djehuty, sovereign deity of the “nerdy but still kinda hot” concept
"So romantic, it almost made me want not to destroy humanity." Râ, patron saint of Ray-Ban and assorted eyewear accessories
"Still not catnip but I’ll take it. Dat Tomatoes rosebuds tho. So pagan. Like wow. Much feels." Bast, She-Who-Execrates-Mondays